So we're in the shitty Wal-Mart, chubby teenage housewife capital of the world. It's the Christmas season (for the love of god himself) which means that everyone feels compelled to leave their slum lord mud huts to trundle down to the pawn shop to get a shoddy present for someone they don't particularly care about. Like a plate or something.
My grandmother and I aren't those people. We have lists. We spend 20 minutes in each aisle looking over the same things again and again, trying to imagine whether the giftee would use that present or throw it at a hobo. God damn it, we have an agenda. That is, until she spotted something. Something that would change my life forever.
As far as blue rectangular prisms go, this was one of the sexiest ones I'd seen. Geometry gets me aroused, and the Family Guy Kit was no exception. The "As Seen On TV" logo slapped on the side made it even better. Without reading what was in it, I put it in the cart. We agreed to find out how much it was before purchase (because if this box is like $50 or something stupid, I'd brick on every cashier in the place), since apparently Wal-Mart treats price tags like foster parents treat that one kid they hate. By the time we got to the register, I was giddy with sweaty anticipation. Rung up, $12. That's a god damn steal.
When I got in the car, I opened the box and peered inside. Immediately, I was wet. Let me list all of the contents:
1. Sexy box
2. Brian Griffin mug
3. Four Coasters with Joe, Brian, Peter and Quagmire on them respectively
4. Four drink stirrers of the same variety as above
5. Two bumper stickers which are, quite frankly, just plain silly
6. Peter vs. Giant Chicken fight poster (which may be one of the best posters in my entire basement)
7. Brian Griffin book of 30 martini recipes.
I always complain about the outrageous price of everyday items. Apparently, Seth MacFarlane came down from his wondrous, silver-lined cloud filled with angel kisses and cherub semen just to heed my call of honour. He opened my chest to his man-parts, allowing for safe passage into my heart. He fucked me in the soul. Then he made me breakfast.
I hope he calls tomorrow.
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