ALWAYS Buy Good Toilet Paper

There are a few things that human beings have invented that tie directly into our sense of dignity and self-worth.

Good toilet paper is definitely one of the few creations that shouldn't change, at least until telekinesis is commonplace and people can eliminate waste via brainwave. I don't care how poor your are. If you're going to wipe your ass at all, you better pray to god you're applying material that is soft yet durable. I don't know why one-ply even exists in the face of this philosophy.

I have friends who have admitted that they do not care what they use for this purpose. There aren't many things I fundamentally disagree with, but general apathy towards proper toiletries has to be one of them. For those of you who don't know, one-ply toilet paper is like a brillo pad. You might as well use your own hand or thin sandpaper, because it's guaranteed to tear in half right at the most crucial moment, leaving your palm exposed to a very dark and frightening scenario. If you're using one-ply toilet paper, don't waste your money; use your hand. Grate your fingernails across the most tender area. Prolapse yourself and take pictures. Put those pictures on the internet, label them "faces of one-ply." At least you'll be doing the world a service.

I will fight you if you don't use respectable toilet sheets. I will slap you so hard that you'll develop a complex and for the rest of your life, any time someone reaches for a high five you'll slip into a coma for a fucking week. If I were 100% homeless, I would put money away for that sole purpose. It's not even expensive, you're just a cheap bastard. The difference between shitty toilet paper and amazing toilet paper is pocket change, and if you can't bring yourself to pony up the extra funds, don't bother spending a penny and just blow on the area until the shit dissolves.