Why I Hate Metalocalypse

As a fan of most things heavy (fat chicks and steel re-bar notwithstanding) and many things Adult Swim (unless you mean literally in which case it's mildly disturbing...bunch of sweaty hairy fucks in a community pool discussing things like earning a living through hard honest work and how their stocks are doing), it would be only a modest leap of faith to assume I would like the harmonious pairing of the two that is Metalocalypse, or at least, the band in it. In reality, however, there are a few very important distinctions to make between this show and, for instance, a good show. Brendon Small has, in the past, done things with voices and animation that have made me marvel at the sheer splendour of his accomplishment. This (and to a lesser extent Galaktikon which is irrelevant to my frustration) turn he chose to take is, in my opinion, for the worse, and you're here to find out why.

Otherwise, really, why are you here? To piss me off? Success.

I don't have some personal hatred-vendetta towards this man. What he wants to do with his time and a guitar is up to him, be it a good idea or otherwise. I'm simply the ambassador to enlightenment, watchful eye cast upon bad decisions made by my idols. Metalocalypse had great potential, squandered by gripes which are minor, yet pivotal to the show's image as it stands. To change these issues now would probably be career suicide, and I don't desire that outcome. I'll just point them out.

• Background music. Before you defecate and ruin a perfectly good pair of whatever undergarment you're currently wearing, let me clarify; orchestra is a great tool for atmospheric emphasis and more often than not assists in conveying emotions that could otherwise be overlooked. There is, however, a difference between background music and background noise. When trying to listen to a conversation between two characters who are apparently chock full of speech impediments (another issue I'll touch upon shortly), what I don't need is to listen to Small's mental soundtrack. Those who have seen "Stranger Than Fiction" know what I'm talking about. I myself haven't even seen it and I know it's awful. Will Ferrell is often enraged that his every day life has to come with a narration. Similarly, I find full songs behind dialogue distracting to my auditory sense. In a brilliant contradiction, more often than not this will detract from the scene, leaving in its wake a blur of noise and lisp. Which brings me to my second point.
• Voice acting. Once again, the show takes a good thing in its burly, lumberjack arms, hugs it tight, and throws itself out of the crow's nest into the murky depths below; an excellent display taking a concept overboard to the point of murder-suicide. Perhaps one character whose accent and tongue-wiggling deficiency double-team requires me to re-watch many scenes would be amusing. When four out of the five main characters are afflicted with some sort of Parkinson's disease that has centralized around the vocal chords, sitting through an episode is more of a chore, ordeal, or even torture, than it's worth. The excessive plurals from one character coupled with the hackneyed Swedish from another, add a literal lisp and sprinkle with the guttural toad noise from the main character. This is a recipe for an aggravation sundae. Sadly, the antagonists on the show are more articulate than their counterparts, leaving me rooting for those who I would ordinarily hate.
• Music videos. This is not about the phenomenon itself, so much as it is the frequency. Of the few episode I've watched, more than several have contained music videos of some kind or another. This refers to a break in the main story to provide some sort of musical interlude. Like an eleven minute show requires an intermission like this. Metalocalypse seems to revel in their trend of beating a horse into the afterlife and back, not stopping until it has died three, sometimes four times consecutively. I realize that this could be partially the fault of a lack of research on my part, but when the admittedly small number of attempts I've made to enjoy the series is met with such content regularly, I find myself less inclined to continue studying. This would be a fine and, again, amusing mechanic if done less frequently.

I feel that I should once again clarify; I enjoy many things about this show. The animation and characters are great. Each episode I've actually watched is written with classic Brendon Small humour and intelligence. Although I largely don't enjoy story arcs, as long as they're not overbearing, this isn't a large issue. Metalocalypse does a lot of things right. It's just very hard to enjoy these things when so many other aspects are so distracting, so wrong. 

Out.