Why I Hate Metalocalypse

As a fan of most things heavy (fat chicks and steel re-bar notwithstanding) and many things Adult Swim (unless you mean literally in which case it's mildly disturbing...bunch of sweaty hairy fucks in a community pool discussing things like earning a living through hard honest work and how their stocks are doing), it would be only a modest leap of faith to assume I would like the harmonious pairing of the two that is Metalocalypse, or at least, the band in it. In reality, however, there are a few very important distinctions to make between this show and, for instance, a good show. Brendon Small has, in the past, done things with voices and animation that have made me marvel at the sheer splendour of his accomplishment. This (and to a lesser extent Galaktikon which is irrelevant to my frustration) turn he chose to take is, in my opinion, for the worse, and you're here to find out why.

Otherwise, really, why are you here? To piss me off? Success.

I don't have some personal hatred-vendetta towards this man. What he wants to do with his time and a guitar is up to him, be it a good idea or otherwise. I'm simply the ambassador to enlightenment, watchful eye cast upon bad decisions made by my idols. Metalocalypse had great potential, squandered by gripes which are minor, yet pivotal to the show's image as it stands. To change these issues now would probably be career suicide, and I don't desire that outcome. I'll just point them out.

• Background music. Before you defecate and ruin a perfectly good pair of whatever undergarment you're currently wearing, let me clarify; orchestra is a great tool for atmospheric emphasis and more often than not assists in conveying emotions that could otherwise be overlooked. There is, however, a difference between background music and background noise. When trying to listen to a conversation between two characters who are apparently chock full of speech impediments (another issue I'll touch upon shortly), what I don't need is to listen to Small's mental soundtrack. Those who have seen "Stranger Than Fiction" know what I'm talking about. I myself haven't even seen it and I know it's awful. Will Ferrell is often enraged that his every day life has to come with a narration. Similarly, I find full songs behind dialogue distracting to my auditory sense. In a brilliant contradiction, more often than not this will detract from the scene, leaving in its wake a blur of noise and lisp. Which brings me to my second point.
• Voice acting. Once again, the show takes a good thing in its burly, lumberjack arms, hugs it tight, and throws itself out of the crow's nest into the murky depths below; an excellent display taking a concept overboard to the point of murder-suicide. Perhaps one character whose accent and tongue-wiggling deficiency double-team requires me to re-watch many scenes would be amusing. When four out of the five main characters are afflicted with some sort of Parkinson's disease that has centralized around the vocal chords, sitting through an episode is more of a chore, ordeal, or even torture, than it's worth. The excessive plurals from one character coupled with the hackneyed Swedish from another, add a literal lisp and sprinkle with the guttural toad noise from the main character. This is a recipe for an aggravation sundae. Sadly, the antagonists on the show are more articulate than their counterparts, leaving me rooting for those who I would ordinarily hate.
• Music videos. This is not about the phenomenon itself, so much as it is the frequency. Of the few episode I've watched, more than several have contained music videos of some kind or another. This refers to a break in the main story to provide some sort of musical interlude. Like an eleven minute show requires an intermission like this. Metalocalypse seems to revel in their trend of beating a horse into the afterlife and back, not stopping until it has died three, sometimes four times consecutively. I realize that this could be partially the fault of a lack of research on my part, but when the admittedly small number of attempts I've made to enjoy the series is met with such content regularly, I find myself less inclined to continue studying. This would be a fine and, again, amusing mechanic if done less frequently.

I feel that I should once again clarify; I enjoy many things about this show. The animation and characters are great. Each episode I've actually watched is written with classic Brendon Small humour and intelligence. Although I largely don't enjoy story arcs, as long as they're not overbearing, this isn't a large issue. Metalocalypse does a lot of things right. It's just very hard to enjoy these things when so many other aspects are so distracting, so wrong. 

Out.

The Update Crawl

What's the date on the post below this? May? Early May? I apologize to anyone who reads this on some sort of schedule; I'm afraid I just haven't had much to say. There's that, and the second issue is that I have a lot of ideas, and would be nonplussed to post five or six times in one day. Then again, few people follow this blog, and I know for certain that one of them rarely visits the site as a whole. I doubt this readership warrants any regret on my part. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

As I'm typing this, Aesop Rock's Skelethon rests on a shelf somewhere, waiting for my hard earned money to allow for my glorious embrace. To feel the splendour touch my soul that is metaphorical poetic storytelling.
Too bad I'm poor.
I don't think there such a thing in my library that would qualify as a guilty musical pleasure. I, as many other males my age, under and over, despise the likes of modern popular music. Even the unpopular is beginning to decline; with the advent of the internet, everyone has surpassed any expectation of recognition, and the aforementioned "fifteen minutes" stretches to hours. Days, if you're lucky. I'm working on my luck.

I returned the Skeleton Key. Nocturna is pleased, and should be floating some better judgement in my direction.
(Skyrim reference)

I'm digressing. De-grassing? Like tearing up a lawn, or in the case of some agoraphobics, taking a shower and washing the mould out from in between the folds of their back hair.

This new blogspot format is questionable, primarily because once a post gets long enough, the screen indiscriminately expands downward, causing a rather appalling glitch effect. Eventually it repairs itself, but in those few minutes, this website resembles a high school project.

Though this rambling may make it seem as if I have no plans for this entire experience, I can assure the four people who give at least one shit that the situation is quite the contrary. Instead, I don't know where to start, so I'm kind of procrastinating. Anything valuable and retina-worthy is being saved for when it can be truly appreciated. Like, when I've been awake for more than an hour. Sleep is a cruel mistress, and lately I've been rising against my will at ten in the morning, regardless of when I lay down the night before. An intelligent, forward-thinking person would apt to sleep at an earlier time than 3:30AM, but I have things to do. Important things. A lot of them involve cats, so I'm sure you understand. The internet always understands cats.

Looking back, I realize that I've pretty much summarized every reason why I haven't been updating more regularly. Reading between the lines is helpful in this instance.

 I don't know how much you few and proud know about Codemasters, the video game publishing company responsible for many reputable titles, but they released a game called Damnation in early 2009 that gives Uncharted a run for its treasure-hunting money. The mechanics are very similar, enough for me to mistakenly identify it as being created by the same studio, although the gameplay is very different. In some ways, much better, but in others, very, very horrible. I'll give a full review of it at some point over the next couple of weeks. I'm also planning to do a Bodycount play-by-play, which I know I'm late on, but I've been staving off that entertainment for a time when I can really enjoy and appreciate it. Those are two of several ideas I have for posts, so don't get excited, but don't give up hope, either.