Windows 8 Is Like A Dog With Two Legs

There are many videos floating around the internet world that depict canines with such pedal shortcomings. Anyone who has viewed these images knows that most of these dogs, with some extra training and attention, become just as good as their four-legged counterparts.

In this scenario, the mutt with the full range of mobility is Windows 7. Its unfortunate playmate is Windows 8, and the two missing legs come in the form of a proper Start menu.

I won't lie, I'm not a huge proponent of drastic change. I've read many a blog in my efforts to reattach those two legs to my new operating system ('how to get the old start menu back' searches deliver fruitless third-party abominations and dangers) and in these informative posts are - as always - someone's opinion about whether or not the change is good. 

Often, this viewpoint comes from the fingers of an ass hole who insults the intelligence of anyone who doesn't like the Windows 8 'Start Screen' better. However, I must be a full-fledged idiot, then, because I hate the Xbox Live home screen and I certainly don't want to adopt it on my computer. I'll drown that orphan.

For those who don't own an Xbox or a copy of the new OS, I'll explain: The screen is opened, innocently and delicately enough, from the same corner as your current Windows logo. It spreads its loving wings, soars up over your desktop, and promptly takes the biggest shit you'll ever see, in the form of every single program you've ever had installed, all over your eyes, nose, mouth, ears, etc. in the form of an "App." Your programs are listed by category and you can choose from them.

Note: I'd also like to suggest to those who don't have either of the aforementioned pieces of technology that they invest in a time machine and travel to this fucking century.

I would assume this new layout is for accessibility, but that can't be correct. If you're building a wheelchair ramp, it's a small incline that starts in the parking lot and daintily raises itself to the level of the curb.

It doesn't start at the second floor window of the supermarket and jut out into the street, blocking three lanes of traffic and creating a huge, vindictive cement wall between you and the enjoyment of whatever you'd like to do with your life.

I understand the need for innovation. You don't want what you're selling to appear stale in the eyes of the consumer. However, if you're going to alienate decades of loyal patrons in an effort to show off how nicely your App screen sweeps to the left, at least make the Start Screen optional, instead of stuffing it down my throat for making the mistake of opening my mouth in excitement. 

Barring that, maybe make it a little bit easier to navigate. There are more of us out here that want the old Programs list back, that freely customizable and wonderful piece of design. I've actually deleted all my Apps and, since that doesn't delete the programs, now have a system of clutter---I mean, folders, on my desktop in order to navigate my shit the way I've always loved to do. That's what I had to do in order to be happy. I'm not alone in this plight.

Windows 8 is the runt of the litter that was born without front appendages due to a lack of room and oxygen in a womb populated by good ideas. With a little work, you can get it to stand up straight, run, probably even fetch toys. However, even with such breakthroughs, everyone who sees it is going to wonder how cute it could be, if only it had all of its fucking legs.

Windows 7 is the older sibling that shits in its mouth just to assert its dominance over the weaker genus.