The Anti-Facebook Race

I don't have a Facebook.

I don't have the need nor the desire to update the entire world every time I have a decent bowel movement, or when my (non-existent) baby doesn't urinate all over my waist for once and therefore find Facebook unnecessary. Myself and the others who share this philosophy - ALL of them - are competing to see who can successfully exist longer without a Facefuck page.


There are strict qualification rules in order to even and minimize the playing field. Eligible competitors must:

- Have a computer with internet access. This automatically disqualifies most third world countries, including but not limited to Africa (and most of France, because aren't French people always like "hawhawhaw, what is le internet? Baguette croissant"). Which is good really, because if they can go weeks without food and still manage to crawl to the stagnant, near-dry watering hole for their daily allowance of liquid, just imagine how long they can keep from "poking" each other.
Side note: Air quotes kind of piss me off. Is it just me?

- Be under the age of 50. Now, I understand that there are some (maybe five) competent seniors who understand and may even have Facebook already. I'm not being prejudiced, it's just that they have the added advantage of knowing how to work a rotary phone and send messages through morse code. Plus, a lot of their friends are extremely easy to reach, because they're either four doors down at the home or neatly packed into a jar on the mantle.

- Be able to type coherently. This automatically disqualifies most people under 18, since a lot of you either can't or refuse to form a proper sentence and probably should stick to the macaroni pictures of your divorced parents that somehow make their way onto the fridge even though there are more important things like, for instance, shopping lists, on there. If you need to abbreviate words that are already one or two syllables, you should either be kept away from the computer entirely or electrocuted after each offense.

- Know what Facebook is. Anyone who doesn't understand what a proper social networking site is (you'll find most of them on MySpace) is immediately cut from the running, and should return to your rock, the depths of which you gelatinously emerged from. The decision to separate yourself from Facebook has to be conscious and informed, unlike the rest of your life probably.


Since this criteria narrows the playing field down significantly (to about twenty people worldwide), it should be a short race. Wish me luck.