Screw sleeping.

For those of you in a different time zone, it's 5:00 in the morning here.


I've heard a lot of people say "I work the best while under pressure." I heard it a lot in high school and college; not so much since, but every so often some asshole pops up and tries to tell me it isn't true. I normally trust any scientific studies I read (which is probably a horrible thing to say, given how false stories like flu shot autism are), but whatever studies proving that people don't change the efficiency in their work habits when the pressure's on are very difficult for me to get behind. When I was in post-secondary trying to cram three dumb final projects into the same two week stretch - in between expensive escorts and daddy day care - I found that I absolutely did more work when the deadline began to creep up.

I've noticed a slight change in the way it works, though. "Pressure" has turned into "sleep deprivation." As well, "work the best" is now "only have motivation to do any work at all aside from breathing and shitting." Don't ask me why, but it's five in the fucking morning, here I am posting. I check Tumblr after two (but that's largely because it slows down and I like to be able to keep up with the dashboard). I wrote two scripts for videos, and even though I'm only really happy with one, neither of them would have been done at all if it were 3 in the afternoon.

Best part is, I don't have a job (YET), and in the meantime I can sleep in as late as I want, provided I don't have to carry out another hit because I owe that gross back alley dude a favour from that one thing he did for me that one time. I've heard that the display from television and laptop screens keeps people awake. If that's the case, I thank it, because my productivity would be cut in half if it weren't for willful insomnia.

Screw sleeping.

Best Buy Drops the Ball, Then Shits On It

On May 2nd, 2011, I pre-ordered Brink.

I had seen what I thought would be a great game (I was proven wrong later) advertised in a few areas and decided I wanted my hands on it, stroking it, licking it, as soon as it came out. I thought to myself, "I've been to Best Buy before. Their prices are half-decent though unchanged from other stores upon a game's release, and their service is only friendly in the first 15 seconds. What a lovely idea it would be, to pay them to give me something I want the right way." Some time later, I had fingery access to my game, but something was missing.

I had pre-ordered this game specifically to obtain the bonuses involved; special character and weapon customization options. When you do it this way, they send a code in the game case that you enter to unlock these items. When I unwrapped the victoriously-smelling game case for the first time, there was no such derivative joy. It was a code-free zone. Upon contact, and about 3 PS3 codes that didn't work on my Xbox 360 (which I had told them I was using) later, I learned that Best Buy had failed to inform me that the pre-order bonus wasn't supported by them. I really had no way of knowing, until it was too late. Thus began the trek through poor service, stubborn technicians, and waiting. Always waiting.


First offenses are always forgivable. Best Buy and I were still on good terms (they have crazy low sale prices and god damn it I don't want to pay full price for anything more than a year old).With that in mind, I decided that I would order RAGE through them in September. (I'm skipping over my computer because it's probably my fault for being a dumb retard and expecting a non-gaming computer to do gaming stuff without upgrades) If you've seen my videos, you'll know the story. I was told that RAGE would be in my grubs on a specific date. When this date came, and I didn't get my Amazing Rectangular Orgasmachine,  I was unnerved. Upon contact I was informed that what they meant was, they would get my game on that date, and I had to wait almost two weeks to have my property shipped to me. Apparently Best Buy sometimes likes to cram merchandise into their rectum, and it gets stuck, so they call in specialists to remove it and the whole process takes about 10 days.


Okay, last chance Best Buy. I, like a hungry lamb with an attention span short enough to forget about the poison in the food the farmer left me, returned to you once again. Entrusting you with the lifeblood that is Saints Row 3, I sent my credit card information through the waves of porn and smut internet over to you to verify the pre-order purchase. This time, the bonus is Professor Genki's Hyper-Ordinary Pre Order Pack, and they definitely carry it. I was excited to fire an Octopus Gun at my enemies, suck 'em up and shoot 'em out into oblivion, Then, much to my chagrin, my excitement had been dashed away when I was told that my game was on "back-order". Seems that when you pre-order from Best Buy, they don't reserve copies. Instead, they sit around, circle jerking and blowing each other until someone comes and a new game flies out onto another's face. Then they peel it off and package it and send it to me. In the meantime, though, I get to wait. Then, finally, today, three days late, my game has arrived, empty. Oh, the disc is in there, but yet again, there is no pre-order code. Now, after a week of being told to "wait 2 days", I finally have what I was supposed to get in the first place.

If You're Not Talking To Someone Face-to-Face, They Might As Well Be an Ex-Con Fraud Felon.

If there's one thing I've learned over my years of existence, it's that people on the internet are dishonest.

Yeah, you're probably thinking "Jay, you dumb thumb, this is common knowledge". I don't mean fourteen year old attention-seeking wack scum trick bitch trolls who lie about being "bi, but kissing girls is grosssss" or "omg I love Fear and Loathing" when you wouldn't know Hunter S. Thompson if he snorted coke right off your fat bimbo duck lips. I'm talking about moderately reputable companies who try to solve support problems by dicking me around until I forget about it ever happening. This is now how I work.

Example.

Over the past few months, interesting things have happened to my internet connection. Something called "peak hours" was introduced. Now, peak hours existed before my ISP knew what they were. Eventually, they caught on, and thought, "Hey, is there any possible way we can cut down individual bandwidth and muscle customers into spending more directly under the layman's nose while still pretending nothing's different?" Then someone else (who probably was giving an executive a quick job with their hand or mouth) decided it would be a good idea to, between roughly 6:00pm and 1:00am, obliterate the connection speed for those on the cheaper internet plans. This leaves me with a one-bar Call of Duty connection during the prime time I'm online. I'm level 40 in Modern Warfare 3. I've been level 40 for weeks, because I can get, on average, one game in before I start running into corners I've already circled past three times.

Two weeks of correspondence with several different grammar illiterate immigrants and one Russian named Ivan, I was informed that there is nothing wrong with my connection; it has been the same the entire time I've been contractually attached to their company like a conjoined twin whose sister is retarded and defecates often. The only way to fix it, they said, was to upgrade my Mbps. Two things: Firstly, I've had a boss connection up until this year. Boss. Secondly, the amount of bandwidth I get is irrelevant, because it doesn't magically force other service users to decide they hate the internet and no longer wish to use it, for fear they will go to Hell and be sodomized for being too close to porn.

The best part was when they pacified me by telling me they would "escalate" my issue, and that it would take up to five business days. After five days and no change, I contacted the service again, being told that the problem was fixed and there was nothing more that could be done on their end. Apparently, the "problem" was that they weren't butt-fucking enough customers with huge bulletproof thunderstorm firecocks, and they had to spend five days remedying that situation. Needless to say, I'm sitting here with no fix, and a pocket full of lies and run-arounds.

When I needed my graphics card, the guy I talked to (directly to his face) was so straightforward and brutally honest about my system that I almost came. That's the kind of service I'd like online, but alas, there's just no respect. I can't go to their HQ and yell, I have to settle for Arabian outsourcing. I hate people.

The Channel

Around mid October, my television started to make a noise. Not all the time, just when it was set to a specific channel. The noise it made caught my attention. The channel appeared one day with some weird code in the corner. I figured it was a glitch due to it just being made available. Most of the time it was just static, and since my TV, being quite old, can hardly pick up the decent channels, it was no surprise to me that this new channel would cut in and out like it did. I don’t have any sort of television provider, I use antenna. I had been meaning to get one for a long, long time, but I hardly watch TV anyway, and I didn’t feel like paying the outlandish costs.

In the beginning, the new channel didn’t play anything I was familiar with. I couldn’t make out most of the shows because the signal was sporadic, but when the waves made it through, it would show images of people. I think they were stills, I never saw them move. These people would be shown one at a time, standing in black space. I figured that whatever show was playing had to do with strange diseases; all of the people that were displayed had these grotesque looking growths on them. Some looked like simple boils, others (I guess the more developed stages) had their skin almost peeled back from their muscles. It would just be hanging there. I never caught a glimpse of any of the people’s faces, but I assumed that they were just as bizarre looking as their bodies.

The noise that the channel made is hard to describe. It was like when you had the volume on your speakers turned up too high, that background buzz. I’d check my volume whenever I flipped to it, and it was fine, so I blamed the signal. When nothing good was on the few channels I can pick up, I flipped to the new one, and sure enough, the noise was there. Whatever the show was, it was interesting enough to wade through the static to try and make out what was happening.

After a couple weeks, the people in the images started getting closer to the screen. They’d be more detailed, and they seemed to be decomposing further. They would lose more and more of their skin as they crept forward, after a while it looked like they were coming towards me. They started to discolour more as well, it was like the air was getting to them. The noise started getting louder, as well, and began to cross over into the other channels I could pick up. So did the images. I thought it to be the fault of my television, so I stopped watching it for a while. Not too long after, out of curiosity, I flipped on my TV and turned to the channel, but it wasn’t there. I went through the available channels three or four times, and it was nowhere to be found. The noise had stopped, too.

A few days ago, I woke up in the middle of the night. All I could hear was the noise. I went into my living room, and sure enough, my TV was on, and up in the corner was that code. The images though, were right up against the screen, like they were pressing on it. They were flickering between one another. I ran over and turned it off. I stood there for a while, making sure everything was okay. Eventually I calmed down enough to go back to bed.

The channel hasn’t been on since. My TV is fine, all the old channels work. Lately, though, out of the corner of my eye, I can see the people. They’re just as decayed as when they were on the screen, but one thing’s different. They move now. I can hear the noise, too, and it’s getting louder.

Written by Jay. Yeah mother fucker I can write short horror what up

Family Guy is Disturbingly Dark These Days.

Has anyone else noticed this? I've been taking mental note of the tone of a good majority of the new episodes, and it seems that the show as a whole is growing progressively darker. It presented itself to me first in the episode where Stewie accidentally hatches an evil twin, who goes around starting shit like it's his job. There was a decent amount of humour in the episode, yes, but there was a sort of intensity about evil Stewie. I figured, yeah, since he's evil, that makes sense, but it didn't end there.

Couple days ago, I watched an episode about Quagmire's sister. She's mentioned in a previous episode (when Brian is trying to be Quagmire's friend...now that I think about it, that episode was pretty serious as well). the entire episode is about domestic violence. Yeah, it's pretty funny, but it would have been funnier if it weren't so melancholy and dramatic. Look, I understand that you don't want to take the topic lightly. There's a difference, however, when you're a satirical comedic cartoon that pokes tremendous fun at people like Michael J Fox (who's like a goldmine of vibrating splendour), and you tackle spousal abuse, I expected the same light-heartedness. What I got instead were the regular cutaways and quick three-second lines, but there was hardly any humour regarding the subject itself. There was a shit fuck ton of opportunity for it, too. It was like a golden wall of censorship. There've been a couple episodes with that tone about them. I don't know if Seth's trying to be overdramatic deliberately or ironically (I would certainly get that), or if it's touchy to him or what. Anyway, I was perturbed.

I Hate Raking Leaves.

Let me preface this by saying (the woman I spoke to) was a very nice and cheerful lady who brought me cream soda in a huge steel drum of a cup with enough ice to freeze an elephant's dick. Her husband was equally as nice and her dog was just...fuckin' angry.

I took off that morning in a school bus. A yellow school bus, because I'm pretty sure all the good ones come in that colour. Apart from my crazy grandfather, I was the only one on this bus. He was driving. He dropped me off some way down a street intersecting mine. This is where I began my shitty journey. I walked across the park (later discovering that I didn't need to; it would've been faster to leave from my house) towards the stranger's home. I traversed a series of unbearably unnecessary turns which I also later discovered to be redundant and pointless. Needless to say, I didn't know my way around this strange, rich people neighbourhood and I cursed them for having winding, inbred gay crescents.

I arrived at the house that I had surveyed previously via Google Maps (wonderful, never-updated software full of pictures from the summer...it's November. Send the bike guy or fuck off). Prepared to honour the arrangement we had negotiated via email, I knocked on the door. I was hastily informed that there would be some..."changes." Instead of performing my bought-and-paid-for duties on just the front lawn, I would be tending to the front, side, extra front, and extra side that was shared with this couple's bitch* and nosy* neighbours. Essentially, I would be performing $35-$40 worth of work for what turned out to be $25.

*Direct quote.

Let me address everybody reading personally; don't ever, ever agree to rake a flowerbed. Even with a quaint, tiny rake, there's no way to get all the leaves. When I rake a lawn, I want every leaf raked. I want every leaf within a mile raked, in a bag, and put away. In a flowerbed underneath moulting trees, however, the leaves are little brown Anne Franks among the thorns and little plants; hiding away, never to come out no matter how hard you knock. I was, needless to say, very surprised when I pulled out the first pretty green plant. The next two weren't that much of a surprise. After a while I started ripping out the dead ones on purpose, out of spite. Their cries went unheard. I did the best I could but, akin to the Nazis, sometimes you can't win 'em all.

In the end, there was no chance for me to negotiate the price. I said "I can do the front lawn for $20." Apparently, however, the "front lawn" is "everything in the neighbourhood except the back yard." I hadn't set out to earn minimum wage, but that's what I ended up with.

On the bright side, their dog hated my guts.

I hate raking leaves.

Check Out My Videos On YouTube

I also mentioned that I make videos for the internet. Specifically, I do funny/painful stunts and try to write amusing or offensive sketch comedy on YouTube and other viral sites. If you like what I'm doing, I have a store where you can buy shirts with some slogans from our popular videos on them (Some of them are old, maybe at the end of this year I'll make some more). Tell your friends; any help I can get counts.

Check Out My Reviews On IGXPro

If you took the time to read the About Me, you'll know that I write reviews for IGXPro. I cover new games upon their release (or when I receive them). It's a gaming news site, so if you're into that shit be sure to bookmark it or at least check it out. It's quite informed. By request, I only review games that are less than three months old, so you're guaranteed that whatever I'm talking about over there is hot off the shelf.

First Post on the New Blog

I figure this is as good of a time as any to explain what's up here. I have a lot of retard thoughts floating around in my head and I was sick and tired of condensing them down to 140 characters or trying in vain to fit them into a video but still make it funny enough to watch. All that being said, this is probably the best course of action. It's not going to be a whiny bitch blog, oh no. Probably what you'll see here are my thoughts on the video games I play, life, experiences, theories, etc. Probably a whole lot of angry shit. I'm not trying to be high any mighty; I'm just trying to clear my big faggot head.

Oh, and it'll be pretty vulgar.